Healing

      I took advantage of the time I had off and went to see my family in Long Island. We’re such a mess, but it’s our mess. I used to want to escape that. I would spend most of my time on my phone or on the computer or in a room sleeping, but things change when you get older. You start missing the chaos of your family because it’s so small next to the chaos of your life outside of that.

       I missed the small space my mother takes up on our sofa and how I always sprawl myself out on top of her like a personal pillow. The times when she’s speaking and I look at her like there’s a part of her I’m supposed to be occupying and she’s in my way. I missed the way my little sister is always the outcast. She finally has friends now so we never see her. She’s in the stage I was at her age and I understand it. I’m glad I can understand. I missed the way Calvin’s face lights up every time he sees me. I was happy to finally reply yes when he asked me if I was staying until Sunday. I find it funny that he stopped asking people to play with him outside and because of that I went to play basketball with him in the rain. It turned into a family tournament. Him and I against his mother and father. We won. I missed my older sister’s loud mouth in the morning screaming “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” I missed our family dinners. I forgot what it was like to sit down at a table at home and enjoy the company of those closest to you. I missed our family dip. This weekend my sister made a new one that wasn’t so popular, but there wasn’t any left when we were done. I missed our family movies. I missed sitting wrapped up in my mother’s arms as we argue over which movie on sale we would watch. The women always win. I missed watching home improvement and real estate shows. We always bet on which house the couple will take or whether they will keep or leave the home or whether they did a good flip. Somehow in all of that finding jokes about the host’s hairline. I even missed the arguing, the crying, and the misunderstandings. No day goes by without at least one of those because we make sure to spend every waking moment with each other. 

          My mother is in a hard place, well really, everyone there is. There is a lot of tension in the house on a usual day and you can still feel it underneath the level of jokes and smiles we’re used to. We all know what will eventually happen. No one talks about it, but everyone feels it. It was nice to be able to put all of that aside for one weekend and just enjoy life, how it used to be. The family. The Baldi bunch. The family that may never be again, but is always preserved in that moment. I didn’t want to come back to work. I didn’t want to come back to the city. 

I wanted to stay in the small place between my mother and the sofa we can’t put our feet on

Wrapped up in her small arms under a throw blanket

With our feet up on the ottoman we call a mushroom

Watching late night television and laughing so hard we snort. 

        It really sucked to have to go back to work right after all of that. I miss my family, but family is far away and I’m here trying to make a living to make life easier, for all of us. To show them that we’re capable of more. All of us are capable of so much more, but no one has fully reached or tried. Sometimes I want to give up, too. I think of how easy it would be to live a lazy life. To take the alternate route. Then, I remember how hard my family actually has it even if it looks good on the outside. My mother worked way too hard to show me that I was capable of more. She has way too much trust in me now to let her down. She is positive I will make it and that gives me strength when I don’t want to be strong anymore. Trust me. There are plenty times I don’t want to be strong anymore, but I have to keep on swimming so I don’t drown, for all of us.

A few good quotes for the soul

"Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness."

— Yousuf Karsh  

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

— Unknown

"Why are you stingy with yourselves? Why are you holding back? What are you saving for—for another time? There are no other times. There is only now. Right now."

— George Balanchine

"Life happened because I turned the pages."

— Alberto Manguel 

"And I figured out that the reason I couldn’t get through the day as well as I can now is because I had too many things on my mind, on my plate, you know, for one person to have. So I started to eliminate some of the things that were too heavy to carry and unnecessary."

— Erykah Badu

July 23rd, 2012

      Honestly, I should be crying right now. Things are becoming a huge mess. What happened last night is still lingering on my mind. It’s one out of the many things that is scary about my life right now. I never thought I would be one to be card scammed. I feel like this is bad karma biting me on the ass (for reasons I won’t reveal here). I feel like I’m hardly going to use my card anymore and then I wonder if that even matters. I find myself retracing every use and wondering where or how it could have happened. I use my card very frequently. I rarely take out cash because I find I have more control of what I spend if I don’t have cash on hand. To try to find a positive in this, I will now be really safe with my card and safe with my money. I’ll track my spending a lot more and that will probably cause me to spend less. I just wonder why me? Also, I know of people who do card scams and I know you can practically get that information anywhere which is one of the reasons I never put my real name anywhere. So, this could have also been an inside job. The internet is real these days. I just wish that person endless bad karma for doing this to someone who (1) doesn’t deserve it and (2) doesn’t have the money for it. Until my bank returns my money (if they do), I can’t even pay my rent so fuck you whoever you are. 

        Besides that, all of the stability I thought job searching would bring me is kind of downward spiralling on me. Today, I have to have a very awkward conversation with my manager that can pretty much throw me off a cliff. Honestly, I have no one to blame, but myself for how weird this can go. I haven’t been the best to him and the best here in my last year because I’ve been so unhappy. If I had been a little nicer and a little less comfortable it might have made the convincing much easier. On a positive note, I know I can find another job. The problem is finding one that works so perfectly with my fucked up school schedule. Do I take another semester off to be able to keep my lifestyle and save money? Can I really afford to be set back practically another year? What if this ends up as a loss anyway because of future plans for the building I’m in? Am I going to have to go back home and have the thought of all the wasted money at the expense of temporarily living alone on my mind? I can’t go backwards. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to go backwards in life in any way— jobs, relationships, living situation. I’ve really had so much on my mind concerning my work and school function that I’ve been doing what I do best. Ignoring it. Ignoring everyone. Not speaking about it. Not writing about it. Just living my day to day life pretending everything will work out in the end. I have to wonder if it even will…

      I even ignored my mother for a little while and I speak to her about everything. I finally spoke to her yesterday and she told me something I needed to hear:

“Ashley, I never worry about you. You can disappear on me for weeks— no calls, no texts. I know you’re okay. You know why? Because you always work it out. You’re a huge procrastinator, you leave everything down to the last minute, and you fall apart momentarily, but you pick all of the pieces up and you make sense of it— every single time. You work extremely well under pressure and you will figure it out.”

I hope she’s right. Usually, I figure it out, but this time I’m not so sure. All I know is that I am so grateful to have her. I am grateful to have the kind of relationship we have worked so many years to have because since I’ve been on my own she has always come in and given me hope. I never feel alone.

      While I’m expressing my gratitude for the relationships in my life, I would also like to add in that I am grateful for every single one of my wonderful friends who have really just been there for me. For being my support system in so many ways, big and small, without even knowing it. For saving me, in a way. I used to feel myself falling apart at the seams because I didn’t know my worth and underestimated my capabilities. Sometimes, I need a reminder and there is always someone there to shove it down my throat until I get it. For showing me that I deserve more, sometimes without even trying. For loving me despite my faults and even if you don’t “love” me, for caring. For showing me that love comes in so many forms and is just as fulfilling. I used to feel like I was missing something, but I am so whole now because I have so much love in my life. Really, for giving me hope. Enough hope that despite everything that is going haywire in my life I am not crying— I am still smiling, laughing, and loving. Although I am stressed and worried, I am not sad. I really feel like it’s because the last few months have just been so good to me even in the moments when they were not so nice. I feel like it’s because I have love. I’m hoping that love is enough to get me through the decisions I have to make by the end of the month. If nothing works out the way I want it to, I know that love will get me through whatever comes from those decisions and that alone is a reason to keep smiling. 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it’s destination full of hope.”

Maya Angelou

July 14th, 2012

Your pupils said everything, they were three times the size of your blue iris’

When you looked at me with that intensity I couldn’t shake

I wouldn’t dare to complain about the way you spilled into my lap

Or in between my parted legs in the small space our small bodies occupied perfectly

Inspiration in Thrilling Places

July 10,th 2012

        Tonight needs a blog post because it was amazing, but I’ll start with the good part of my morning. Really my whole day went quite well despite a few drawbacks. I had an interview with Baked By Melissa that I think went well, but I don’t want to jinx myself so I’ll wait for an offer. Let me explain how amazing the Baked By Melissa company is regardless if I attain a position there or not. How it came to be, the motivation, and it’s growth is inspiring. The overall vibe at Baked By Melissa is innovative, fun, and inviting. I know that company is going to continue to be extremely successful. On a related note, this week is the week of interviews actually. I had an interview with Brooklyn Industries yesterday, Baked today, and tomorrow I’m heading in for a second interview for American Apparel. The excitement is unbearable. With three interviews back to back, which happens to be my favorite number, I’m hoping for at least one call back. If not at least I know that I am capable, with my experience and partially my personality/ overall look, of getting a decent amount interviews. From a million no’s springs a yes, eventually.

         About tonight, thanks to Bennett Bennett or Ace, I attended a celebration event for the rebranding of the Madison’s Browne Fellowship at Pranna on Madison. The venue was beautiful and being there alone was an experience in itself. The people were real people in and students of the advertising world, but most of all, they were amazingly nice. I received so much great advice and stories of experience tonight. I have to admit I was afraid and even until the end still a little shy, but in the most beautiful way.

         It was thrilling, it was exciting, it was inspiring, and it was exactly what I needed. I also need a push and luckily I had Bennett, Jack, and Bibi to nudge me into the crowd. I can’t stress how amazing Bennett is because he knows absolutely everyone. All I had to say was that I was a student at City College and someone would say, “Oh, do you know Bennett?” I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for the millionth time and I won’t be happy until people recognize me so easily. I met many inspirational people, received cards from people who are genuinely interested in helping me find my place in the advertising world (or out of it), and have a much better view of a potential game plan for the future.

       I needed tonight and these interviews for my soul. Any kind of doubts I have had about myself are slowly being released. The more I speak to people and the more I interview the more I realize that I am an interesting person with a lot to give to the world regardless of whether these opportunities take me somewhere. I realized things about myself I didn’t even know until I voiced them. After hearing myself speak to people and seeing how they respond I feel… well, amazing. I can have some kind of effect on someone and eventually, potentially, a group of people and beyond. I’m exhausted in some of the best ways: from hard work, from putting myself out there, and from experience. I’m voiceless, practically running on E, and so completely happy.

        Thanks to tonight, I know where I potentially fit. I know what excites me. I know the thrill I need to have in my life. I know what I need to work on. The energy all around me is amazing and I’m right I need change. I strive for and survive off of change and off of good energy. I’m ready for a new chapter in life. The only question is if it is ready for me.