Honestly, I should be crying right now. Things are becoming a huge mess. What happened last night is still lingering on my mind. It’s one out of the many things that is scary about my life right now. I never thought I would be one to be card scammed. I feel like this is bad karma biting me on the ass (for reasons I won’t reveal here). I feel like I’m hardly going to use my card anymore and then I wonder if that even matters. I find myself retracing every use and wondering where or how it could have happened. I use my card very frequently. I rarely take out cash because I find I have more control of what I spend if I don’t have cash on hand. To try to find a positive in this, I will now be really safe with my card and safe with my money. I’ll track my spending a lot more and that will probably cause me to spend less. I just wonder why me? Also, I know of people who do card scams and I know you can practically get that information anywhere which is one of the reasons I never put my real name anywhere. So, this could have also been an inside job. The internet is real these days. I just wish that person endless bad karma for doing this to someone who (1) doesn’t deserve it and (2) doesn’t have the money for it. Until my bank returns my money (if they do), I can’t even pay my rent so fuck you whoever you are.
Besides that, all of the stability I thought job searching would bring me is kind of downward spiralling on me. Today, I have to have a very awkward conversation with my manager that can pretty much throw me off a cliff. Honestly, I have no one to blame, but myself for how weird this can go. I haven’t been the best to him and the best here in my last year because I’ve been so unhappy. If I had been a little nicer and a little less comfortable it might have made the convincing much easier. On a positive note, I know I can find another job. The problem is finding one that works so perfectly with my fucked up school schedule. Do I take another semester off to be able to keep my lifestyle and save money? Can I really afford to be set back practically another year? What if this ends up as a loss anyway because of future plans for the building I’m in? Am I going to have to go back home and have the thought of all the wasted money at the expense of temporarily living alone on my mind? I can’t go backwards. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to go backwards in life in any way— jobs, relationships, living situation. I’ve really had so much on my mind concerning my work and school function that I’ve been doing what I do best. Ignoring it. Ignoring everyone. Not speaking about it. Not writing about it. Just living my day to day life pretending everything will work out in the end. I have to wonder if it even will…
I even ignored my mother for a little while and I speak to her about everything. I finally spoke to her yesterday and she told me something I needed to hear:
“Ashley, I never worry about you. You can disappear on me for weeks— no calls, no texts. I know you’re okay. You know why? Because you always work it out. You’re a huge procrastinator, you leave everything down to the last minute, and you fall apart momentarily, but you pick all of the pieces up and you make sense of it— every single time. You work extremely well under pressure and you will figure it out.”
I hope she’s right. Usually, I figure it out, but this time I’m not so sure. All I know is that I am so grateful to have her. I am grateful to have the kind of relationship we have worked so many years to have because since I’ve been on my own she has always come in and given me hope. I never feel alone.
While I’m expressing my gratitude for the relationships in my life, I would also like to add in that I am grateful for every single one of my wonderful friends who have really just been there for me. For being my support system in so many ways, big and small, without even knowing it. For saving me, in a way. I used to feel myself falling apart at the seams because I didn’t know my worth and underestimated my capabilities. Sometimes, I need a reminder and there is always someone there to shove it down my throat until I get it. For showing me that I deserve more, sometimes without even trying. For loving me despite my faults and even if you don’t “love” me, for caring. For showing me that love comes in so many forms and is just as fulfilling. I used to feel like I was missing something, but I am so whole now because I have so much love in my life. Really, for giving me hope. Enough hope that despite everything that is going haywire in my life I am not crying— I am still smiling, laughing, and loving. Although I am stressed and worried, I am not sad. I really feel like it’s because the last few months have just been so good to me even in the moments when they were not so nice. I feel like it’s because I have love. I’m hoping that love is enough to get me through the decisions I have to make by the end of the month. If nothing works out the way I want it to, I know that love will get me through whatever comes from those decisions and that alone is a reason to keep smiling.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it’s destination full of hope.”
Maya Angelou
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