Take Care
So sweet when you sleep,
Soft noises and a hiccup of a moan
That leaves a hint of remembrance.
Sweeter than most, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve these people,
But I am grateful.
A hint of soft skin, a wide grin, a big hold, and a tap of conversation between two conversation makers.
You are soft like good days in bed under covers,
You are sweet like sunny days on grass plains,
And you are happy like waiting to see my mother for so long and when she arrives,
You are beautiful to her, to me.
I don’t want to see flaws. I refuse to see flaws because you are so simply flawless in so many ways and if you come back down to Earth I will show you.
I’ve seen the constellations, they have brightened nights for me like you.
Sometimes I disappear into oblivion, but I have the right to because nobody holds me, not even you.
Take note when I hold you,
No one else has,
And when I’m gone they always regret what they had.
I enjoy my time here,
waking up and going to sleep to songs on loud,
Gibberish that tends to come out of your mouth,
Your thoughts are so precious when they are true,
That’s why lately I can’t take my eyes off of you.
You touch me like there is nobody else, but I know not to fall, I can take care of myself.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
November 8, 2011
I think about how much of a tragedy my life seems to be right now and I laugh. I can imagine years from now looking back on my life and wondering why I stunted my growth at such a young age. I’ll wonder why, for so long, all I wanted to be was in love. I’ll wonder why, with all my potential, I kept searching to fulfill someone else at any cost.
It’s human nature, I suppose; to feel lonely and to want someone else to fill that void. It’s human nature to want to be someone’s everything and support all of their dreams as long as those dreams include you at their side. I’m sure it’s a combination of human nature, media, and societal influence.
We’re so needy, and none of us want to be our own savior. We don’t think we’re strong enough to be our own savior, our own life support. This is one of the reasons I don’t believe in most religions and a “God”. I believe that god is within the self. You can be your own strength, your own drive, and your own shoulder to lean on. People tend to forget how strong they actually are internally.
With one life, all I want to do is be my best me and to do all of the things I’ve ever dreamt of. I can be alone because I’ll never really be alone. I’ve got family and friends, and all of the people in the world I have yet to meet. I have big dreams and they are all reachable by some means. It just takes work. Life is a work in progress at all times. I don’t want to be at a halt.
Why be unhappy or force yourself into believing you’re “unhappy” because you’re alone or you’re going through something? As cliche as it is, we were born alone (unless you’re a twin or more, haha) and we will die alone. I mean that in the most optimistic way. You were born alone because you are meant to live one life, yours. We are all strong enough to survive “alone”. No one is fully alone, there are millions of people on this planet who are all strangers waiting to be met.
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long-shot” Charlie Chaplin
In the future, this moment that I’m in and every challenging moment before and after this will be pure comedy. While you’re crying, don’t forget to take a moment and laugh at life. Life is mystical because it can be hideous, beautiful, and completely mind-blowing all at once.
It’s human nature, I suppose; to feel lonely and to want someone else to fill that void. It’s human nature to want to be someone’s everything and support all of their dreams as long as those dreams include you at their side. I’m sure it’s a combination of human nature, media, and societal influence.
We’re so needy, and none of us want to be our own savior. We don’t think we’re strong enough to be our own savior, our own life support. This is one of the reasons I don’t believe in most religions and a “God”. I believe that god is within the self. You can be your own strength, your own drive, and your own shoulder to lean on. People tend to forget how strong they actually are internally.
With one life, all I want to do is be my best me and to do all of the things I’ve ever dreamt of. I can be alone because I’ll never really be alone. I’ve got family and friends, and all of the people in the world I have yet to meet. I have big dreams and they are all reachable by some means. It just takes work. Life is a work in progress at all times. I don’t want to be at a halt.
Why be unhappy or force yourself into believing you’re “unhappy” because you’re alone or you’re going through something? As cliche as it is, we were born alone (unless you’re a twin or more, haha) and we will die alone. I mean that in the most optimistic way. You were born alone because you are meant to live one life, yours. We are all strong enough to survive “alone”. No one is fully alone, there are millions of people on this planet who are all strangers waiting to be met.
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long-shot” Charlie Chaplin
In the future, this moment that I’m in and every challenging moment before and after this will be pure comedy. While you’re crying, don’t forget to take a moment and laugh at life. Life is mystical because it can be hideous, beautiful, and completely mind-blowing all at once.
Countless cigarettes and the fog of burned lungs on bathroom sinks. The steam causes a claustrophobic feeling. The type that adds on to the already closed in emotion of my half-there, barely steady heart. I can see him in the smoke, torturing me with his presence. I imagine he can feel me where he is, too. I feel like I want to scream and I want to melt into the floor all at once. I know I won’t be good with him, but I know I’ll think of him in my bed where less sleep happens than thinking. However, he’ll sleep soundly in a bed made of women and sweat. They will cover his sheets in movements I once found familiar and be touched by the only hands that know my body fully. I won’t weep, but I will stew in all of the hot emotions brought by memories of our intertwined being, and our outrage. I know he will still feel me in the moments I am gone. Visions of my face will still consume him in the slightest moments of happiness and then I will pass. Forget me with your hand in the snatches of other women. Forget me as your body explodes everything, but what you actually feel. It’s much more satisfying and everything you’ve ever pretended to not secretly want. Just know that I will stay with you in fingertips on bare skin until someone touches you better.
October 30, 2011
Snow falls hard and graciously in unforgiving winds onto dark streets. The flakes are thick, the kind that stick. The pretty ones that will hopefully stick, and that mark everything they fall on. Snow feels like a new beginning, but I don’t feel new here. I don’t feel anything, though. So, I know I am new.
When someone who feels so much feels nothing it’s dangerous. On this night, almost everything is unforgiving including me. I’m a mess of white and dark, and I am wet with every inch of nothing that I feel so thoroughly. I’m kissing solitude sweetly and swiftly with each pen stroke…
Lately, I find myself wanting to be alone. There are these moments where I see I never am and it feels like my dependency is bringing me downward, quickly. I wonder, was I really that afraid to be alone with myself? Now, all I want is to be alone with myself for a day. I’d like a full day with me without anyone else. I want myself, my pen, and a place to write down every ounce of heaviness that is weighing me down. Only then will my shoulders be released. It will dry me of this feeling.
When someone who feels so much feels nothing it’s dangerous. On this night, almost everything is unforgiving including me. I’m a mess of white and dark, and I am wet with every inch of nothing that I feel so thoroughly. I’m kissing solitude sweetly and swiftly with each pen stroke…
Lately, I find myself wanting to be alone. There are these moments where I see I never am and it feels like my dependency is bringing me downward, quickly. I wonder, was I really that afraid to be alone with myself? Now, all I want is to be alone with myself for a day. I’d like a full day with me without anyone else. I want myself, my pen, and a place to write down every ounce of heaviness that is weighing me down. Only then will my shoulders be released. It will dry me of this feeling.
November 4, 2011
Remember me in the moments where your mind is calm and your breathing steady. Tell me if I make your heart beat faster, it’s the only thing that matters to me. I hope it beats like I felt that day with my head on your chest. The beating called me home. If you remember, will you tell me,
“Come on home.”
“Come on home.”
November 3, 2011
She screams,
Don’t try to save me, I’m unsavable. You’ll only ruin yourself for me. I won’t look back. I don’t care about much, and I break everything I touch.
And then, she exits.
Don’t try to save me, I’m unsavable. You’ll only ruin yourself for me. I won’t look back. I don’t care about much, and I break everything I touch.
And then, she exits.
October 29, 2011
Some people just have a way with words and understanding. He has a way with stimulating in unusual ways. He talks.
He really talks, she thought.
She could see his facial espressions through the phone. He has a specific face he makes when he speaks with that tone. He’s smiling. She visualizes this. His dark hair. His facial hair. She could even see his teeth and the way his lips curl as they extend up into his cheeks. He looks down when he smiles. He hides his smile even though it is one of the best things she has seen in a while. The thought of this makes her smile, and then he speaks.
He really talks, she thought.
She could see his facial espressions through the phone. He has a specific face he makes when he speaks with that tone. He’s smiling. She visualizes this. His dark hair. His facial hair. She could even see his teeth and the way his lips curl as they extend up into his cheeks. He looks down when he smiles. He hides his smile even though it is one of the best things she has seen in a while. The thought of this makes her smile, and then he speaks.
October 24, 2011
Laying down listening to music like it’s the only thing you’ve got.
No worries.
Just sounds.
Sometimes, just voices.
Closing your eyes and feeling the music.
Not like emotions, like movements.
Seeing the music like sounds.
Like images.
Like your life in your head, but still no worries.
Just images, like a movie.
Just sounds.
You can’t touch anything, but that’s all swell because there is nothing to feel here.
Just hear here.
Just listen.
No worries.
Just sounds.
Sometimes, just voices.
Closing your eyes and feeling the music.
Not like emotions, like movements.
Seeing the music like sounds.
Like images.
Like your life in your head, but still no worries.
Just images, like a movie.
Just sounds.
You can’t touch anything, but that’s all swell because there is nothing to feel here.
Just hear here.
Just listen.
October 19, 2011
Glimpses of you crossed my mind in every moment because you were every moment of my life.
Until these moments came where I had no memory of you, temporarily. But this night, I found myself visualizing snippets of our life together even in the moments where you had once not existed. They weren’t remnants of you I was remembering. They were the remnants of you I was already choosing to forget. When I realized that, the image of my life became clearer. I wouldn’t be happier or more sad without you. I wouldn’t even be without you. I would just be me, who once only had you, and that, finally, only had me.
Until these moments came where I had no memory of you, temporarily. But this night, I found myself visualizing snippets of our life together even in the moments where you had once not existed. They weren’t remnants of you I was remembering. They were the remnants of you I was already choosing to forget. When I realized that, the image of my life became clearer. I wouldn’t be happier or more sad without you. I wouldn’t even be without you. I would just be me, who once only had you, and that, finally, only had me.
October 16, 2011
Bruise me, the blows to my self esteem feel like love and they hurt like true emotion. You have a way with cold words wrapped around my neck and they choke the living pride out of me. I cling to you. You’re my personal Velcro; tacky and unwilling to give ease to your death grip of my personality. I’m choking and I can’t breathe love back into this relationship. Respect for me was your personal punching bag. Every lie, every unspoken truth, and every person that ended up on top of you while I was below you. Groveling like a dog and then I felt the gravel under my paws, and the earth never felt so real. I saw the sun like it was new.
October 9, 2011
He can see every inch of beauty in every in every inch of skin. In every inch of imperfection, he sees a bit more beauty.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I am enough. I am intelligent enough, I am pretty enough, I am interesting enough, I am fully capable of doing whatever I set my mind to, I am witty and clever enough, I am mature enough, and I am so much more. I am a woman. I am strong. I am loving. I am kind. I am sweet. I am a woman. I’m old enough to know better and old enough to realize that I am the most important person in my life. I am the most beautiful person in my life because I am me and I am changeable, but I am perfect the way I am, not tomorrow or yesterday, but today. Right now, in this moment.
I love the handful of the earth you are.
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,
I have no other star. You are my replica
of the multiplying universe.
Your wide eyes are the only light I know
from extinguished constellations;
your skin throbs like the streak
of a meteor through rain.
Your hips were that much of the moon for me;
your deep mouth and its delights, that much sun;
your heart, fiery with its long red rays,
was that much ardent light, like honey in the shade.
So I pass across your burning form, kissing
you—compact and planetary, my dove, my globe.
— Pablo Neruda
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,
I have no other star. You are my replica
of the multiplying universe.
Your wide eyes are the only light I know
from extinguished constellations;
your skin throbs like the streak
of a meteor through rain.
Your hips were that much of the moon for me;
your deep mouth and its delights, that much sun;
your heart, fiery with its long red rays,
was that much ardent light, like honey in the shade.
So I pass across your burning form, kissing
you—compact and planetary, my dove, my globe.
— Pablo Neruda
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A whole lot of life to live in so little time. No, life is long. Moments are short. Moments should be made meaningful and cherished. Moments shouldn’t be taken so seriously as to not enjoy them. Moments should be embraced and taken advantage. Opportunities only come ever so often. Take them and fail or take them and win big. Take chances. Have regrets. Get over regrets. Live. Breathe. Love. Hurt. Die a million times and rebuild the body and mind. Change because change is good. Change is necessary. Be happy. Be unhappy. Cry. Get over it. Laugh. Life is beautiful so cry and then laugh at how miraculous it is. Enjoy life. Hate life. Enjoy. Life.
Beautiful
She wanted to be beautiful. She wanted to be young. She saw her life pass before her eyes. She saw her youth say goodbye in the name of love. The girl was silly and so profoundly sad. Every effort went into being happy, but every action contradicted that notion.
She had sad eyes from the time she was born. Big, sad eyes and big cheeks to smile with to conceal the emotion behind them. She thought she needed to be loved. She searched for love in the cracks of the deepest depths of other people’s hearts. She found hope in every slight opening of other’s hearts. She thought they were broken because they wouldn’t love her so she tried to fix them. When she “fixed” them she realized it wasn’t love for them although it was love for her. She loved everything that was hers so deeply, but she couldn’t accept deep love. She only wanted broken love because she was always given love that did not work or love that hurt.
The love she doesn’t recognize is within. She slowly touches that love, but she doesn’t know it that well yet so she can’t decide if that love is enough. She doesn’t know real love yet, but she is searching for it.
She had sad eyes from the time she was born. Big, sad eyes and big cheeks to smile with to conceal the emotion behind them. She thought she needed to be loved. She searched for love in the cracks of the deepest depths of other people’s hearts. She found hope in every slight opening of other’s hearts. She thought they were broken because they wouldn’t love her so she tried to fix them. When she “fixed” them she realized it wasn’t love for them although it was love for her. She loved everything that was hers so deeply, but she couldn’t accept deep love. She only wanted broken love because she was always given love that did not work or love that hurt.
The love she doesn’t recognize is within. She slowly touches that love, but she doesn’t know it that well yet so she can’t decide if that love is enough. She doesn’t know real love yet, but she is searching for it.
When I love, I love hard. I hate to let go of things I feel are mine. The idea of letting you go is almost impossible to me. I have worked so hard to keep you here. I have enjoyed so many moments with you. I have thought about you every second of every day until I had to force myself to let the thought of you breathe. At least the thought of you got a breath in.
I have held on so tight. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have to let you go. One day I may have to let you go so I prepare myself for that. I loved the idea that I could have you forever. I still do. These days it feels so unrealistic considering all that we have gone through, but I still hold on to hope. I’m getting older now. Older and able to understand the ways things should be versus the way they are. We were kids, we’re still kids only older. We have lives to live. I want you in my life, but is that realistic? I want you so bad it hurts.
No one can understand that. No one sees what I see in you. Some days I feel you don’t even see what I see in you. Your body moves in such a beautiful way. In a way I’ve grown accustomed to. Your movements, your touch, and the changes in your voice. The way you say my name. It’s the only time I like to hear it.
So, no, I’d never like to let you go. I would never want to know another feels you the way I do or sees the beauty I see in the way your back feels with my face on it. I’m sorry I’m so unrealistic. I’m sorry I’m such a dreamer. Its just that I can’t imagine my dreams without you in them.
I’m selfish, but I’ll learn.
I have held on so tight. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have to let you go. One day I may have to let you go so I prepare myself for that. I loved the idea that I could have you forever. I still do. These days it feels so unrealistic considering all that we have gone through, but I still hold on to hope. I’m getting older now. Older and able to understand the ways things should be versus the way they are. We were kids, we’re still kids only older. We have lives to live. I want you in my life, but is that realistic? I want you so bad it hurts.
No one can understand that. No one sees what I see in you. Some days I feel you don’t even see what I see in you. Your body moves in such a beautiful way. In a way I’ve grown accustomed to. Your movements, your touch, and the changes in your voice. The way you say my name. It’s the only time I like to hear it.
So, no, I’d never like to let you go. I would never want to know another feels you the way I do or sees the beauty I see in the way your back feels with my face on it. I’m sorry I’m so unrealistic. I’m sorry I’m such a dreamer. Its just that I can’t imagine my dreams without you in them.
I’m selfish, but I’ll learn.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What my life could have been?
I sit around wondering what my life could have been without you. I could be alone right now, my thirst still intact. I could be far away at school living the college life. I could be leading a completely different path, but I’m here. I could understand where I’m going or be lost and longing for love, but I’m here.
If I hadn’t been with you, begging for you, arguing with you, coming back to you. If I had never come back, if you had never come back. If you had never come back I wonder if I’d be over you. The way you hurt me no one else has. For some reason, that drew me to you instead of away. You were no good for me and I wasn’t good enough for you.
Now, this is what we call love. What we have we call love, but if we had never reached this point our lives could have been galaxies away. We are not forever intertwined although it feels like forever and it feels like even if we weren’t together I’d still see you far too often. Not because I want to, but because our lives have become like one.
These days I sit and wonder what my life could have been. I might of been a completely different person. Not hurt, more understanding, less suspicious. I might of been able to handle situations better and feel more comfortable. That is the worst part about not feeling good enough for someone, never feeling good enough for anyone. Never feeling good enough for opportunities or good fortune. You never really want to try to hard after that because trying hurt so much and took so long.
You never feel worth it after that. Suddenly, life becomes a big game you feel you will always lose. The smallest ounce of confidence you might have had disappears into your past no matter how long it took you to build it. One day, you’re not good enough for your dreams. You feel like you’ve wasted yourself and your talents by putting all of your energy into this one thing. You feel drained of life.
It’s not as easy to open up your eyes and do something about it as people like to say it is, but situations are never as hard when they’re not yours. When you’re whole life has been people making you feel like you’re not good enough when you feel so good, feeling good loses it’s value. Instead, you always feel drained trying to prove yourself. You gravitate towards people who make you prove yourself and away from people who are open to you because you’re afraid of really being nothing after all. You become afraid you’ve wasted so much time trying to prove a point that wasn’t there all along. You become afraid that the people who made you feel like you weren’t good enough were right all along.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if you were right to feel the way you did and treat me the way you did. Maybe I’m not good enough because I spent so much time building up the image of who I am rather than genuinely being that person. Maybe I spent too much time chasing after someone, and people, who weren’t for me because I thought I wasn’t good enough. Maybe what was really wrong was that I let my past define every relationship, friendship or more, that I have ever had. Maybe I had it all wrong and so then, I wonder if life would have been different for me if I though of this in my teen years or if life could be any different for me if I utilized this information now.
Now, I’m questioning every inch of information scattered in my brain. Splattered on the walls, posted on the internet, and on every piece of paper I can find, I have questions. I can’t find any answers because my life is the ultimate answer. My decisions are answers as I make them and I choose them, but, of course, I still have questions.
I guess all I wonder now is am I good enough for myself yet?
If I hadn’t been with you, begging for you, arguing with you, coming back to you. If I had never come back, if you had never come back. If you had never come back I wonder if I’d be over you. The way you hurt me no one else has. For some reason, that drew me to you instead of away. You were no good for me and I wasn’t good enough for you.
Now, this is what we call love. What we have we call love, but if we had never reached this point our lives could have been galaxies away. We are not forever intertwined although it feels like forever and it feels like even if we weren’t together I’d still see you far too often. Not because I want to, but because our lives have become like one.
These days I sit and wonder what my life could have been. I might of been a completely different person. Not hurt, more understanding, less suspicious. I might of been able to handle situations better and feel more comfortable. That is the worst part about not feeling good enough for someone, never feeling good enough for anyone. Never feeling good enough for opportunities or good fortune. You never really want to try to hard after that because trying hurt so much and took so long.
You never feel worth it after that. Suddenly, life becomes a big game you feel you will always lose. The smallest ounce of confidence you might have had disappears into your past no matter how long it took you to build it. One day, you’re not good enough for your dreams. You feel like you’ve wasted yourself and your talents by putting all of your energy into this one thing. You feel drained of life.
It’s not as easy to open up your eyes and do something about it as people like to say it is, but situations are never as hard when they’re not yours. When you’re whole life has been people making you feel like you’re not good enough when you feel so good, feeling good loses it’s value. Instead, you always feel drained trying to prove yourself. You gravitate towards people who make you prove yourself and away from people who are open to you because you’re afraid of really being nothing after all. You become afraid you’ve wasted so much time trying to prove a point that wasn’t there all along. You become afraid that the people who made you feel like you weren’t good enough were right all along.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if you were right to feel the way you did and treat me the way you did. Maybe I’m not good enough because I spent so much time building up the image of who I am rather than genuinely being that person. Maybe I spent too much time chasing after someone, and people, who weren’t for me because I thought I wasn’t good enough. Maybe what was really wrong was that I let my past define every relationship, friendship or more, that I have ever had. Maybe I had it all wrong and so then, I wonder if life would have been different for me if I though of this in my teen years or if life could be any different for me if I utilized this information now.
Now, I’m questioning every inch of information scattered in my brain. Splattered on the walls, posted on the internet, and on every piece of paper I can find, I have questions. I can’t find any answers because my life is the ultimate answer. My decisions are answers as I make them and I choose them, but, of course, I still have questions.
I guess all I wonder now is am I good enough for myself yet?
Are you living young great one?
Too tired to function. It's an illness.
Trying is just too much effort when all you're trying to do is survive.
What is surviving if you can't live? Can't breathe. Just one gulp of life.
Thirsty and unsatisfied. Lacking every emotion except being tired.
When tired, "happy" because "you're thriving"
and forcing the body to stay awake and keep moving.
The mind is exhausted. The body can endure the wasting minutes, days, and effort.
The moments are meaningless. They are the same. They mean surviving.
You want living. What is life without living? Dying. Not. Dead. Yet. One. More. Shift. Away. From. Death.
But it really isn't that hard to be a robot.
Live like a robot and miss life.
Miss young life, struggling. Miss emotions. Miss attachmments. Miss the moments...
That make life, life. Where are you, young robot?
Do you sleep? Do you dream? Do you become?
Your methodical ways are losing their greatness. Your plans are losing their goals.
Do the dead have goals? Do they breath? Do you have a heart young robot? Where is your heart?
Lost in dreaming...
Trying is just too much effort when all you're trying to do is survive.
What is surviving if you can't live? Can't breathe. Just one gulp of life.
Thirsty and unsatisfied. Lacking every emotion except being tired.
When tired, "happy" because "you're thriving"
and forcing the body to stay awake and keep moving.
The mind is exhausted. The body can endure the wasting minutes, days, and effort.
The moments are meaningless. They are the same. They mean surviving.
You want living. What is life without living? Dying. Not. Dead. Yet. One. More. Shift. Away. From. Death.
But it really isn't that hard to be a robot.
Live like a robot and miss life.
Miss young life, struggling. Miss emotions. Miss attachmments. Miss the moments...
That make life, life. Where are you, young robot?
Do you sleep? Do you dream? Do you become?
Your methodical ways are losing their greatness. Your plans are losing their goals.
Do the dead have goals? Do they breath? Do you have a heart young robot? Where is your heart?
Lost in dreaming...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
On Edge
The water moves slowly. The sound is crisp and enjoyable. The gate is the only thing holding you back from enjoying it. The brown wooden columns peek at you from in the water. They are the remains of a long forgotten torn down pier. The helicopter’s choppy, loud noise from above will not give way. It makes you want to escape its sound. The only way to escape would be the water. The night is cool New York City drowns you in its noise and its lights. It reminds you of how small you are, how insignificant your existence is. Every piece of this moment is wrong, but comfortable. You are calm now. The half finished cigarette stares at you from its seat next to you on the bench.
It asks you, “How do you feel?”
You reply, “I feel like the water is calling me, but I am afraid.”
It says, “You do not fear the water. You fear freedom.” You glance at the buildings behind you and then look forward at the water. It continues, “You are afraid to live without barriers because you are afraid to fail. Failure is normal.”
(written july 28)
It asks you, “How do you feel?”
You reply, “I feel like the water is calling me, but I am afraid.”
It says, “You do not fear the water. You fear freedom.” You glance at the buildings behind you and then look forward at the water. It continues, “You are afraid to live without barriers because you are afraid to fail. Failure is normal.”
(written july 28)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
California
Green. That was my favorite color after I met you. Green like your eyes. Green like the grass in that field we laid down on that night you got too high and I got too emotional. In fact, green is only not beautiful to me when I wear it (I only wore it when you were around her). Green like the money I would have spent to be in her shoes for just one day. Green like the bottles we threw at the old factory next to the Williamsburg Bridge that night it was drizzling and my hair was so big you pressed down on it and said it was the world. Green like what, that same night, made my lungs feel too small and you're arms so big. Green like the dirty water in the cracks of my old block's street (yes, green is even beautiful to me dirty) that we'd stare at as we talked for hours. Green like my veins the day you pointed out how fair my skin is in comparison to your golden brown complexion and so you called me your porcelain doll.
And so I thought I was your doll. And that meant I belonged to you in some way. And maybe belonging to you meant only you. And in some way that meant you belonged to me, too.
You always belonged to my heart.
That day came, and it was not green and it hurt. I ran through the rest of that long year. I passed black buildings, gray sidewalks, and even the occasional red sunset, but colors couldn't be the same if I couldn't have green. Faces were lifeless if they weren't your own. Days seemed pointless, all I did was run; pretending to run from you.
I ran as far as California. Now, I'm in California writing about you. I'm laughing to myself in California.
I can't run from you.
And so I thought I was your doll. And that meant I belonged to you in some way. And maybe belonging to you meant only you. And in some way that meant you belonged to me, too.
You always belonged to my heart.
That day came, and it was not green and it hurt. I ran through the rest of that long year. I passed black buildings, gray sidewalks, and even the occasional red sunset, but colors couldn't be the same if I couldn't have green. Faces were lifeless if they weren't your own. Days seemed pointless, all I did was run; pretending to run from you.
I ran as far as California. Now, I'm in California writing about you. I'm laughing to myself in California.
I can't run from you.
Friday, June 3, 2011
I know what happened to you
I'm the only one who knows what happened to you.
I am the girl you've always wanted.
I was your queen and you bowed down to me.
You brainwashed me and convinced me that I needed you.
When I figured out the truth you couldn't handle it. You yearned for me, you still yearn for me.
You pretend not to know I'll never be yours again.
You became a soldier for me, hoping that I'd beg you not to.
You hoped that I'd find out and wait for you and when you came back I'd cry for you to stay.
You are in and out of hospitals because of me.
You think having breakdowns will bring me back.
You still dream of me, every last one of your dreams is of me.
No girl will ever compare to me because I was your dream girl.
I had everything you wanted because I was always happy, dorky, and innocent, and now I'll never be the same.
I was nothing like you, but so much of what you wanted.
You saw me so beautiful, and in a light no one else ever did.
I thank you for that because the only time I ever felt beautiful was when I was with you.
The only time I felt beautiful was when you looked at me so longingly.
The last time I saw you I felt so beautiful because you stared at me in awe.
You longed for me.
You ask for me, you ask about me, and you live for me.
You pledge your life to me.
You tell everyone about me, people who will never meet me know every detail that ever made me and my every design.
You taught me infatuation
You showed me what that word meant in detail, but you loved me.
You will always love me.
You will lay in countless hospital beds longing for me, crying for me, because you will never understand that you set me free.
You taught me how to be who I am, you made me into this monster. I'll never be that girl you loved again.
Let me go.
Love again,
and let me go.
written a long time ago, discovered in my notes.
I am the girl you've always wanted.
I was your queen and you bowed down to me.
You brainwashed me and convinced me that I needed you.
When I figured out the truth you couldn't handle it. You yearned for me, you still yearn for me.
You pretend not to know I'll never be yours again.
You became a soldier for me, hoping that I'd beg you not to.
You hoped that I'd find out and wait for you and when you came back I'd cry for you to stay.
You are in and out of hospitals because of me.
You think having breakdowns will bring me back.
You still dream of me, every last one of your dreams is of me.
No girl will ever compare to me because I was your dream girl.
I had everything you wanted because I was always happy, dorky, and innocent, and now I'll never be the same.
I was nothing like you, but so much of what you wanted.
You saw me so beautiful, and in a light no one else ever did.
I thank you for that because the only time I ever felt beautiful was when I was with you.
The only time I felt beautiful was when you looked at me so longingly.
The last time I saw you I felt so beautiful because you stared at me in awe.
You longed for me.
You ask for me, you ask about me, and you live for me.
You pledge your life to me.
You tell everyone about me, people who will never meet me know every detail that ever made me and my every design.
You taught me infatuation
You showed me what that word meant in detail, but you loved me.
You will always love me.
You will lay in countless hospital beds longing for me, crying for me, because you will never understand that you set me free.
You taught me how to be who I am, you made me into this monster. I'll never be that girl you loved again.
Let me go.
Love again,
and let me go.
written a long time ago, discovered in my notes.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Pictures!
April Scrapbook to come, I've got to convert all of the pictures because I took them in raw form. The end of the semester meant to much on my mind and now enough time.
I'm sorry for becoming a ghost, but here's another post!
It’s a lot easier to live the lifestyle you want when you’re surrounded by it. I’m all about natural foods and raw foods, but that doesn’t mean I don’t eat foods that are unhealthy for me. I haven’t been craving them. When I limit the amount of “bad” foods in my fridge it’s a lot easier to maintain. Besides living that lifestyle is so much cheaper than what I’m trying to do (how ironic). As most of you know, a little under two months ago I switched to being a vegetarian and I also started eating a lot more raw foods. I honestly can’t compare how my body felt at that point to any other time in my life. It was like freedom from food for the first time ever. I had to remind myself to eat since I was full of energy and could focus on other things rather than when is my next nap and when is my next meal.
Recently, I haven’t bought any groceries for myself because I spent that money on some material things for summer and for gifts. I have money, but I hate dipping into savings even if it’s just a bit. So, right now my refrigerator and cabinets are filled with someone else’ idea of grocery shopping (no names). I don’t want to eat cookies, sugar soaked cereal, chips, mac n’ cheese, and the like. That sounds weird doesn’t it? Those foods really don’t have as much appeal as they used to, but they’re the only things I’ve got. So, what am I doing? Eating them and it’s further proving to me that those kinds of foods make you want to eat more, make you sleepy and unproductive. It’s kind of sad to say that because at one point I loved eating those things, but now I find myself craving things like avocados, almonds, and fresh bananas. I don’t even want to open my fridge. I never thought I’d feel this way about all of those ‘yummy’ foods I used to love.
However, it’s a good feeling. I’m teaching myself new ways and it’s helping me to feel better inside and out. Don’t get me wrong, I have my share of vegetarian burritos from Chipotle and Artichoke slices (mmm). But, I don’t miss any of those other foods including meat. I’m happy this transition went smoothly. I’ve got to go grocery shopping and soon!
Recently, I haven’t bought any groceries for myself because I spent that money on some material things for summer and for gifts. I have money, but I hate dipping into savings even if it’s just a bit. So, right now my refrigerator and cabinets are filled with someone else’ idea of grocery shopping (no names). I don’t want to eat cookies, sugar soaked cereal, chips, mac n’ cheese, and the like. That sounds weird doesn’t it? Those foods really don’t have as much appeal as they used to, but they’re the only things I’ve got. So, what am I doing? Eating them and it’s further proving to me that those kinds of foods make you want to eat more, make you sleepy and unproductive. It’s kind of sad to say that because at one point I loved eating those things, but now I find myself craving things like avocados, almonds, and fresh bananas. I don’t even want to open my fridge. I never thought I’d feel this way about all of those ‘yummy’ foods I used to love.
However, it’s a good feeling. I’m teaching myself new ways and it’s helping me to feel better inside and out. Don’t get me wrong, I have my share of vegetarian burritos from Chipotle and Artichoke slices (mmm). But, I don’t miss any of those other foods including meat. I’m happy this transition went smoothly. I’ve got to go grocery shopping and soon!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Read Me
If you could only understand my language. I don’t mean the sounds that leave my opening and closing lips (although you cannot understand those all the same), but I mean my heart. It is quite unfortunate that you are not a mind reader, my clueless love, because my mouth may move far too much, but my mind moves miles and covers much more important ground. If you could see yourself from my eyes you might see the beauty I see in you even when we’re at our worst. Then, you might understand my anger, so rash and incomprehensible to your sane mind. See, my mind is not sane, love. It’s so wrapped up in your being that it forgets my own needs.
So, if you could only read the language my body speaks then you’d understand me eternally. If you could see the way me leaning towards you when we are near means I want you to hold me. If you could understand the sadness in my swift and angry movements when we argue. If you could feel the warmth of my hand placed “randomly” (but strategically) on your leg, arm, shoulder, and face and understand this means “I want you”.
I love your whole being in so many more ways than words can depict. Unfortunately, the real me is stowed away inside of my head and my emotions for you are tucked safely even deeper for use in every gesture. The same gestures you do not understand. If I may have a moment to explain this love, it would never make as much sense as if you could one day read me like you read my words,
But with more understanding.
So, if you could only read the language my body speaks then you’d understand me eternally. If you could see the way me leaning towards you when we are near means I want you to hold me. If you could understand the sadness in my swift and angry movements when we argue. If you could feel the warmth of my hand placed “randomly” (but strategically) on your leg, arm, shoulder, and face and understand this means “I want you”.
I love your whole being in so many more ways than words can depict. Unfortunately, the real me is stowed away inside of my head and my emotions for you are tucked safely even deeper for use in every gesture. The same gestures you do not understand. If I may have a moment to explain this love, it would never make as much sense as if you could one day read me like you read my words,
But with more understanding.
4/29/11
I miss your kisses like love notes on my pillow each morning.
I'd embrace them with the open arms of my heart.
A half full vessel that has long been forgotten in the midst of your heart's desires.
That would be the problem,
that your heart in all it's longing for the world and all it has to offer
does not bemoan my lack of presence.
It does not reach for mine, but in the middle of the night.
But in the middle of the night my eyes are heavy with the days burden of missing you.
My body is sore from holding the weight of a relationship
that is two miscommunications away from breaking my back.
So I can't rise at night to feed your desires my love.
I need all the rest I can get so that I can rise early
to start my long, longing days, each day until your heart is mine
or my back is broken.
I can feel my spine grow weak and contorted as you let the moments pass us by.
I'd embrace them with the open arms of my heart.
A half full vessel that has long been forgotten in the midst of your heart's desires.
That would be the problem,
that your heart in all it's longing for the world and all it has to offer
does not bemoan my lack of presence.
It does not reach for mine, but in the middle of the night.
But in the middle of the night my eyes are heavy with the days burden of missing you.
My body is sore from holding the weight of a relationship
that is two miscommunications away from breaking my back.
So I can't rise at night to feed your desires my love.
I need all the rest I can get so that I can rise early
to start my long, longing days, each day until your heart is mine
or my back is broken.
I can feel my spine grow weak and contorted as you let the moments pass us by.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
On Curly [natural] Hair (taken from my Tumblr)
The post I was going to write was about the fact that it’s really hard to maintain this look because there are little to no positive images of curly (or “natural hair”) at all. I’m a huge magazine collector and how dumb of me to think that at least one magazine I collect, only one, would have tips for girls without straight/wavy hair besides to straighten it. Oh, or make the curl look better by first straightening it and then curling it through various methods.
How about no? How about I revel in all my glorious frizzy ringlets that stand on end and fall awkwardly when I throw them in a direction they’re not used to. I can hardly find pictures without straight or processed to be straight (or wavy) hair. Fuck that, I guess I’ve been reading the wrong magazines my whole life because these obviously don’t fit me. I’m not a girl on any one of these pages besides in the article in one of my magazines has about mixed girls and their societal appeal recently. They have so much societal appeal in fact that they have surpassed the ol’ blond hair, blue eyes. Yeah?
Our beauty precedes them now, but only as a spectacle or only when we give in to their standards of beauty. So, (I speak for) we, specifically my Dominican woman although others can most definitely relate, relax our hair to make it “better”. Our thick, luscious curls are too much for them, yeah? Mixed girls have so much more appeal because ‘they’re different’, eh? What’s in right now is the weird, the abnormal, and the different, but what makes us these things? Our hair has always been this way, our features, though a mixture of different cultures, are still the features of those cultures, and our look is only weird because it’s not their ideal. We’re only different because they’d normally shun us and our features, but since we’re in for the moment it’s okay to be us… to a point.
As much as I’d like to be happy for the acceptance, I can’t. It’s not genuine, it’s only curiosity and I’m nobody’s spectacle. Please show me the place where we’re actually accepted and supported. Show me my rightful place because it’s not up on some shelf for all to look at and wonder. I’m not different. I’m just the same. However, the same treatment is too much to ask for. I want it all, I won’t run with some. I am not satisfied with some.
How about no? How about I revel in all my glorious frizzy ringlets that stand on end and fall awkwardly when I throw them in a direction they’re not used to. I can hardly find pictures without straight or processed to be straight (or wavy) hair. Fuck that, I guess I’ve been reading the wrong magazines my whole life because these obviously don’t fit me. I’m not a girl on any one of these pages besides in the article in one of my magazines has about mixed girls and their societal appeal recently. They have so much societal appeal in fact that they have surpassed the ol’ blond hair, blue eyes. Yeah?
Our beauty precedes them now, but only as a spectacle or only when we give in to their standards of beauty. So, (I speak for) we, specifically my Dominican woman although others can most definitely relate, relax our hair to make it “better”. Our thick, luscious curls are too much for them, yeah? Mixed girls have so much more appeal because ‘they’re different’, eh? What’s in right now is the weird, the abnormal, and the different, but what makes us these things? Our hair has always been this way, our features, though a mixture of different cultures, are still the features of those cultures, and our look is only weird because it’s not their ideal. We’re only different because they’d normally shun us and our features, but since we’re in for the moment it’s okay to be us… to a point.
As much as I’d like to be happy for the acceptance, I can’t. It’s not genuine, it’s only curiosity and I’m nobody’s spectacle. Please show me the place where we’re actually accepted and supported. Show me my rightful place because it’s not up on some shelf for all to look at and wonder. I’m not different. I’m just the same. However, the same treatment is too much to ask for. I want it all, I won’t run with some. I am not satisfied with some.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Always
Always
I am not jealous
of what came before me.
Come with a man
on your shoulders,
come with a hundred men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
come like a river
full of drowned men
which flows down to the wild sea,
to the eternal surf, to Time!
Bring them all
to where I am waiting for you;
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be you and I
alone on earth,
to start our life!
Pablo Neruda
I love this.
I am not jealous
of what came before me.
Come with a man
on your shoulders,
come with a hundred men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
come like a river
full of drowned men
which flows down to the wild sea,
to the eternal surf, to Time!
Bring them all
to where I am waiting for you;
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be you and I
alone on earth,
to start our life!
Pablo Neruda
I love this.
Carnal apple, Woman filled, burning moon,
dark smell of seaweed, crush of mud and light,
what secret knowledge is clasped between your pillars?
What primal night does Man touch with his senses?
Ay, Love is a journey through waters and stars,
through suffocating air, sharp tempests of grain:
Love is a war of lightning,
and two bodies ruined by a single sweetness.
Kiss by kiss I cover your tiny infinity,
your margins, your rivers, your diminutive villages,
and a genital fire, transformed by delight,
slips through the narrow channels of blood
to precipitate a nocturnal carnation,
to be, and be nothing but light in the dark.
Pablo Neruda
dark smell of seaweed, crush of mud and light,
what secret knowledge is clasped between your pillars?
What primal night does Man touch with his senses?
Ay, Love is a journey through waters and stars,
through suffocating air, sharp tempests of grain:
Love is a war of lightning,
and two bodies ruined by a single sweetness.
Kiss by kiss I cover your tiny infinity,
your margins, your rivers, your diminutive villages,
and a genital fire, transformed by delight,
slips through the narrow channels of blood
to precipitate a nocturnal carnation,
to be, and be nothing but light in the dark.
Pablo Neruda
Dreams
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
Langston Hughes
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
Langston Hughes
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Excerpt: Sonny's Blues By James Baldwin
I was beginning to realize that I’d never seen him so upset before. With another part of my mind I was thinking that this would probably turn out to be one of those things kids go through and that I shouldn’t make it seem important by pushing it too hard. Still, I didn’t think it would do any harm to ask: “Doesn’t all this take a lot of time? Can you make a living at it?
He turned back to me and half leaned, half sat, on the kitchen table. “Everything takes time,” he said, “and— well, yes sure, I can make a living at it. But what I don’t seem to be able to make you understand is that it’s the only thing I want to do—”
“Well, Sonny,” I said gently, “you know people can’t always do exactly what they want to do—”
“No, I don’t know that,” said Sonny, surprising me. “I think people ought to do what they want to do, what else are they alive for?”
First off, this story is marvelous and it made me cry more than once. A sweet fact about me is that I absolutely love reading. I almost love reading more than writing. It takes me to places I've never been, and to a place overall that is away from the world and into my own. Back to the story, I wanted to put the whole thing on my blog, but I've read up to this part and I really feel like this is perfect. It's exactly how I feel about writing. Sonny's whole disposition on being a musician is exactly how I feel about being a writer. I really, really loved this.
He turned back to me and half leaned, half sat, on the kitchen table. “Everything takes time,” he said, “and— well, yes sure, I can make a living at it. But what I don’t seem to be able to make you understand is that it’s the only thing I want to do—”
“Well, Sonny,” I said gently, “you know people can’t always do exactly what they want to do—”
“No, I don’t know that,” said Sonny, surprising me. “I think people ought to do what they want to do, what else are they alive for?”
First off, this story is marvelous and it made me cry more than once. A sweet fact about me is that I absolutely love reading. I almost love reading more than writing. It takes me to places I've never been, and to a place overall that is away from the world and into my own. Back to the story, I wanted to put the whole thing on my blog, but I've read up to this part and I really feel like this is perfect. It's exactly how I feel about writing. Sonny's whole disposition on being a musician is exactly how I feel about being a writer. I really, really loved this.
Does the sunset sometimes look like the sun's coming up?
Do you know what a faithful love is like?
You're crying. You say you've burned yourself.
But can you think of anyone who's not
Hazy with smoke?
-Rumi
So, I've been a little Rumi obsessed as shown on my writing blog. I'm trying to transfer over to this blog for pretty obvious reasons. It has a lot more structure and I suppose it represents a more serious type of blogging. The most important thing is that I miss blogging here as opposed to my Tumblr where I follow so many people and get distracted by my dashboard rather than actually blogging. I might merge my writing blog into this blog and have only one blog... just a thought.
I will have a baby face forever.
(I cheated by taking this picture and blurb from my tumblr) I planned for today to be a productive day, but here I am hiding under the blankets finally-sort-of over being pissed. I got up early today and made my bed, and also cleaned the top of the table near the bed. I then pushed myself to go to yoga— which was amazing. It has been an uphill battle since then, I feel like the universe is against me. I haven’t been able to take a shower because my building was supposed to have the water off until 1 (one of the reasons why I pushed myself into yoga today) and it’s still not on. Yes, my dirty ass is bundled up in my bed. Everything else kind of fell apart along with that so to stop being angry I took a nap thinking it might be on when I woke up and no, it was not. So, now I’m up looking at Va$htie’s blog and lusting over the Santigold x Vans collaboration that came in February. However, I’m not allowed to buy anything for a while. I kind of lost control of my spending habits over the past two to three months so I’m staying away from all things wonderful and learning to love what I have— I have too damn much already!
On to the natural hair pictures to celebrate it.
And done! Sorry for the bad quality imac pictures. I take a lot because it's much harder to carry my Nikon everywhere so I'll probably be sharing a lot more of these.
Side note: I just noticed that I have my left hand up in almost all the pictures I posted. Weird. AND, The water finally worked. I got a shower so I felt a lot better. It changed my day completely!
xx~
You're crying. You say you've burned yourself.
But can you think of anyone who's not
Hazy with smoke?
-Rumi
So, I've been a little Rumi obsessed as shown on my writing blog. I'm trying to transfer over to this blog for pretty obvious reasons. It has a lot more structure and I suppose it represents a more serious type of blogging. The most important thing is that I miss blogging here as opposed to my Tumblr where I follow so many people and get distracted by my dashboard rather than actually blogging. I might merge my writing blog into this blog and have only one blog... just a thought.
I will have a baby face forever.
(I cheated by taking this picture and blurb from my tumblr) I planned for today to be a productive day, but here I am hiding under the blankets finally-sort-of over being pissed. I got up early today and made my bed, and also cleaned the top of the table near the bed. I then pushed myself to go to yoga— which was amazing. It has been an uphill battle since then, I feel like the universe is against me. I haven’t been able to take a shower because my building was supposed to have the water off until 1 (one of the reasons why I pushed myself into yoga today) and it’s still not on. Yes, my dirty ass is bundled up in my bed. Everything else kind of fell apart along with that so to stop being angry I took a nap thinking it might be on when I woke up and no, it was not. So, now I’m up looking at Va$htie’s blog and lusting over the Santigold x Vans collaboration that came in February. However, I’m not allowed to buy anything for a while. I kind of lost control of my spending habits over the past two to three months so I’m staying away from all things wonderful and learning to love what I have— I have too damn much already!
On to the natural hair pictures to celebrate it.
And done! Sorry for the bad quality imac pictures. I take a lot because it's much harder to carry my Nikon everywhere so I'll probably be sharing a lot more of these.
Side note: I just noticed that I have my left hand up in almost all the pictures I posted. Weird. AND, The water finally worked. I got a shower so I felt a lot better. It changed my day completely!
xx~
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Overall (hair) update.
I've officially kept my hair in it's naturally state for 3 weeks tomorrow. It's made me realize a few things: people tend to act like they've never seen hair if it's not straight or if it's bigger than usual, I feel like changing my hair made me learn to love and appreciate my face more, and I also really need to dye my hair!
The texture of it has changed a lot and I enjoy seeing the process, but it lacks consistency so every day I have a new kind of look. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I'm dealing with it and it's growing on me slowly.
xx~
The texture of it has changed a lot and I enjoy seeing the process, but it lacks consistency so every day I have a new kind of look. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I'm dealing with it and it's growing on me slowly.
xx~
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Life is a Water Park, Could Be Fun...
So, I've been really busy especially last month for the start of the semester. I wasn't prepared for all the work that was going to come from it, which explains my absence from my blog. I also haven't been able to take Nikki (my camera) anywhere because I've been carrying my heavy textbooks amongst other things. I have returned with a new hairstyle though. My hair started to feel very thin in comparison with how it used to be so I decided to take a break from heat damage. This was, honestly, one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. I had become so used to washing and blow drying my hair every three to four days that felt unattractive with my natural curly hair. That isn't the case anymore, and every day I feel a little more confident with my hair (this could also be because every day it gets more healthy). The pictures below are from Saturday after work when I unexpectedly ended up hanging out with my friends Mya and Sean. Sean had his camera so it was a good day.
I couldn't control my hair at first so I didn't want to take pictures.
Above was when Mya told me I remind her of a blogger with my curly hair, which turned out to be my favorite blogger and Model: Christina Caradona of Trop Rouge.
Above was a random picture taken of me that came out pretty awesome.
Interesting and fun day!
I couldn't control my hair at first so I didn't want to take pictures.
Above was when Mya told me I remind her of a blogger with my curly hair, which turned out to be my favorite blogger and Model: Christina Caradona of Trop Rouge.
Above was a random picture taken of me that came out pretty awesome.
Interesting and fun day!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I will show you, you're so much better than you know.
By Your Side - Sade, The Neptunes Remix
You think I’d leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave down when your down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that
I’ll do you right when you're wrong
If only you could see into me
oh, when your cold
I’ll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can’t get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When your lost, when you're alone and you can’t get back again
I will find you darling I’ll bring you home
If you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you’ll be fine
You think I’d leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
I’ll do you right when you're wrong
If only you could see into me
'
Oh when you're cold
I’ll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I’ll be there by your side baby.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
we're all Free People here.
Today, I had an outing with my best friend from high school, Mya. We originally meant to only grab some Thai food for a great lunch deal on 45th and 9th, but I had to let her know about the Free People (and other labels) sample sale going on today. I read about it while catching up with one of my favorite bloggers V.V. We were supposed to wake up early and go there before Thai, but I was way too tired so I cancelled and intended on only getting Thai. As it turned out, we ended up going to the sample sale after Thai. I'm not sure if it was because we got there on the last day, two hours before it was closing, but there wasn't much to choose from. I bought one Free People tank for the summer for $10 and a Sophomore tee for $28. I'm still sort of regretting that Sophomore tee because it's basic, but it's the only shirt of it's kind that fits me in that way. I love the fit so I don't regret it too much.
I had a great time and it made me realize how much I missed her beautiful self! Also, I brought my camera to be ready for a day out and how many pictures did I take today? Zero! So, I'm going to take some pictures of my buy to add to this later. For now, I'm at work so until next time (a little later today)!
I had a great time and it made me realize how much I missed her beautiful self! Also, I brought my camera to be ready for a day out and how many pictures did I take today? Zero! So, I'm going to take some pictures of my buy to add to this later. For now, I'm at work so until next time (a little later today)!
Why is everything with you so Complicated
I'm not an avid Rihanna listener, but I can admit that she has some good, catchy songs. I love this song because I know what this feels like.
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
Why is everything with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I will throw my hands up 'cause baby I tried
But everyday with you is so complicated
Oh why
Sometimes I get you
Sometimes I don't understand
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes it's you I can't stand
Sometimes I wanna hug you
Sometimes I wanna push you away
Most times I wanna kiss you
Other times punch you in the face
'Cause every minute you start switching up
And you say things like you don't give a fuck
Then I say I'm through with you
Take my heart from you
And you come running after me and baby I'm back with you
Oh, you're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
Why is every day with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up 'cause baby I tried
But everyday with you is so complicated
Oh why
Sometimes I catch you
Sometimes you get away
Sometimes I read you
Other times I'm like where are you on the page
Sometimes I feel like we will be together forever
But you're so complicated
My heart knows better
Why is everyday with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up 'cause baby I tried
Everyday with you is so complicated
Oh why
I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone
I'ma stick around just a little while longer
Just to make sure that you're really sure
You like sleeping alone
Why is everyday with you so complicated
Why do you make it hard to love you
Oh I hate it
'Cause if you really wanna be alone
I, will throw my hands up cos baby I tried
Everyday with you is so complicated
Oh why
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Just Close Your Eyes, Let Me Hypnotize U
I'm addicted to that song... and I haven't had a mini photo shoot of my face in a long time so I woke up and decided to play around with my camera's settings. I need to find a program for photo editing that works with macs because these pictures are too bright.
In other news, I didn't have such a good day. I'm talking a horrible start, it didn't start getting better until I came home with the ambition to cook. After I cooked, I felt a lot better.
Well, here are the pictures I took...
In other news, I didn't have such a good day. I'm talking a horrible start, it didn't start getting better until I came home with the ambition to cook. After I cooked, I felt a lot better.
Well, here are the pictures I took...
Friday, January 14, 2011
I love The Lady Killer.
Wildflower - Cee Lo
All it takes is some moonlight and as long as the weathers fair
Reacts through a river, Romance by the evening air
A fragrance on the flesh this is who she is don’t apologize
You are to awe her but you’ll only be beautiful in the beholder’s eye
Wonderful Wildflower
Open up let me see
Sexy hints in seasons,
Share your sunshine with me
The picture is perfect, a keepsake cause the occasion’s rare
It’s a portrait of motion, I’m just proud to say I was there
To pull her out of the ground, standing out in the crowd, Oh my how she’s grown
Hold her in both my hands and put her right on the table when I get her home
Wonderful Wildflower
Open up let me see
Sexy hints in seasons,
Share your sunshine with me
Show those pretty colors baby,
Show them all to everyone, everybody’s got a little light under the sun
Wonderful Wildflower
Open up let me see
Sexy hints in seasons,
Share your sunshine with me.
Monday, January 10, 2011
My Personal Fuck You
Last night, I got my nose pierced on St. Marks. It's basically the number one place in New York City to get pierced or tattooed no questions asked. The only problem with that is the legitimacy of the tattoo artist or person piercing you. I don't worry about that much because I rarely have bad reactions to anything I do to my body. So, I went back to the guy I got my septum pierced at and this time got a hoop for my left nostril.
It’s very amusing to see people’s reaction to my nose ring. I think because it’s a hoop it gets a lot more attention. Facial expressions are the best, but the comments are funny, too. Some are like it suits me and some just refuse to acknowledge it. I call those the nothing-nice-to-says and I don’t judge them because my mother also always told me that if I have nothing nice to say then say nothing.
I don't care either way so I decided to call this piercing "my personal fuck you." To who you might ask? To everyone. To quote a lovely young woman named Zoe Kravitz, "My style is I don't give a fuck."
It’s very amusing to see people’s reaction to my nose ring. I think because it’s a hoop it gets a lot more attention. Facial expressions are the best, but the comments are funny, too. Some are like it suits me and some just refuse to acknowledge it. I call those the nothing-nice-to-says and I don’t judge them because my mother also always told me that if I have nothing nice to say then say nothing.
I don't care either way so I decided to call this piercing "my personal fuck you." To who you might ask? To everyone. To quote a lovely young woman named Zoe Kravitz, "My style is I don't give a fuck."
Thursday, January 6, 2011
All One's Day
Towards the end of New Year's Day and into the second we decided to take photos with our roomates camera and tripod. I'm going to keep up with my fashion blog trend of naming the brands for fun, haha. I'll get over it soon... or will I?
Shirt: Billionare Boys Club; Jeans A.P.C
On me, shirts: Topshop; Leggings: AA // On him, shirt: AA
Shirt: AA
Shirt: Billionare Boys Club; Jeans A.P.C
On me, shirts: Topshop; Leggings: AA // On him, shirt: AA
Shirt: AA
New York's Blizzard x MotaNy.com
So, there was a huge storm on the 26th which led to a load of problems for NY the next day. My train wasn't working at all and there was no way of me getting to work. Luckily for me, my coworker covered for me and I took a snow day. I felt like a little kid and was ready to play. I took my camera out and got some pretty good photos for the day. These photos feature, "Live For Today" hat by Mota and you can buy it on MotaNy.com
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Christmas in a Nutshell.
I don't want to turn this into a fashion blog, but there's no harm in having some fun.
Top, Bracelet: Topshop; Shorts: UO; Tights: AA; Boots(not shown in photo); Dolce Vita
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