What my life could have been?

I sit around wondering what my life could have been without you. I could be alone right now, my thirst still intact. I could be far away at school living the college life. I could be leading a completely different path, but I’m here. I could understand where I’m going or be lost and longing for love, but I’m here.

If I hadn’t been with you, begging for you, arguing with you, coming back to you. If I had never come back, if you had never come back. If you had never come back I wonder if I’d be over you. The way you hurt me no one else has. For some reason, that drew me to you instead of away. You were no good for me and I wasn’t good enough for you.

Now, this is what we call love. What we have we call love, but if we had never reached this point our lives could have been galaxies away. We are not forever intertwined although it feels like forever and it feels like even if we weren’t together I’d still see you far too often. Not because I want to, but because our lives have become like one.

These days I sit and wonder what my life could have been. I might of been a completely different person. Not hurt, more understanding, less suspicious. I might of been able to handle situations better and feel more comfortable. That is the worst part about not feeling good enough for someone, never feeling good enough for anyone. Never feeling good enough for opportunities or good fortune. You never really want to try to hard after that because trying hurt so much and took so long.

You never feel worth it after that. Suddenly, life becomes a big game you feel you will always lose. The smallest ounce of confidence you might have had disappears into your past no matter how long it took you to build it. One day, you’re not good enough for your dreams. You feel like you’ve wasted yourself and your talents by putting all of your energy into this one thing. You feel drained of life.

It’s not as easy to open up your eyes and do something about it as people like to say it is, but situations are never as hard when they’re not yours. When you’re whole life has been people making you feel like you’re not good enough when you feel so good, feeling good loses it’s value. Instead, you always feel drained trying to prove yourself. You gravitate towards people who make you prove yourself and away from people who are open to you because you’re afraid of really being nothing after all. You become afraid you’ve wasted so much time trying to prove a point that wasn’t there all along. You become afraid that the people who made you feel like you weren’t good enough were right all along.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if you were right to feel the way you did and treat me the way you did. Maybe I’m not good enough because I spent so much time building up the image of who I am rather than genuinely being that person. Maybe I spent too much time chasing after someone, and people, who weren’t for me because I thought I wasn’t good enough. Maybe what was really wrong was that I let my past define every relationship, friendship or more, that I have ever had. Maybe I had it all wrong and so then, I wonder if life would have been different for me if I though of this in my teen years or if life could be any different for me if I utilized this information now.

Now, I’m questioning every inch of information scattered in my brain. Splattered on the walls, posted on the internet, and on every piece of paper I can find, I have questions. I can’t find any answers because my life is the ultimate answer. My decisions are answers as I make them and I choose them, but, of course, I still have questions.

I guess all I wonder now is am I good enough for myself yet?

Are you living young great one?

Too tired to function. It's an illness.
Trying is just too much effort when all you're trying to do is survive.
What is surviving if you can't live? Can't breathe. Just one gulp of life.
Thirsty and unsatisfied. Lacking every emotion except being tired.
When tired, "happy" because "you're thriving"
and forcing the body to stay awake and keep moving.
The mind is exhausted. The body can endure the wasting minutes, days, and effort.
The moments are meaningless. They are the same. They mean surviving.
You want living. What is life without living? Dying. Not. Dead. Yet. One. More. Shift. Away. From. Death.
But it really isn't that hard to be a robot.
Live like a robot and miss life.
Miss young life, struggling. Miss emotions. Miss attachmments. Miss the moments...
That make life, life. Where are you, young robot?
Do you sleep? Do you dream? Do you become?
Your methodical ways are losing their greatness. Your plans are losing their goals.
Do the dead have goals? Do they breath? Do you have a heart young robot? Where is your heart?
Lost in dreaming...

On Edge

The water moves slowly. The sound is crisp and enjoyable. The gate is the only thing holding you back from enjoying it. The brown wooden columns peek at you from in the water. They are the remains of a long forgotten torn down pier. The helicopter’s choppy, loud noise from above will not give way. It makes you want to escape its sound. The only way to escape would be the water. The night is cool New York City drowns you in its noise and its lights. It reminds you of how small you are, how insignificant your existence is. Every piece of this moment is wrong, but comfortable. You are calm now. The half finished cigarette stares at you from its seat next to you on the bench.
It asks you, “How do you feel?”
You reply, “I feel like the water is calling me, but I am afraid.”
It says, “You do not fear the water. You fear freedom.” You glance at the buildings behind you and then look forward at the water. It continues, “You are afraid to live without barriers because you are afraid to fail. Failure is normal.”

(written july 28)