Blackened cloud ascending over me,
The curse you hold is unbearable.
Over again, you rain on every day,
and you will not leave.

California

Green. That was my favorite color after I met you. Green like your eyes. Green like the grass in that field we laid down on that night you got too high and I got too emotional. In fact, green is only not beautiful to me when I wear it (I only wore it when you were around her). Green like the money I would have spent to be in her shoes for just one day. Green like the bottles we threw at the old factory next to the Williamsburg Bridge that night it was drizzling and my hair was so big you pressed down on it and said it was the world. Green like what, that same night, made my lungs feel too small and you're arms so big. Green like the dirty water in the cracks of my old block's street (yes, green is even beautiful to me dirty) that we'd stare at as we talked for hours. Green like my veins the day you pointed out how fair my skin is in comparison to your golden brown complexion and so you called me your porcelain doll.

And so I thought I was your doll. And that meant I belonged to you in some way. And maybe belonging to you meant only you. And in some way that meant you belonged to me, too.

You always belonged to my heart.

That day came, and it was not green and it hurt. I ran through the rest of that long year. I passed black buildings, gray sidewalks, and even the occasional red sunset, but colors couldn't be the same if I couldn't have green. Faces were lifeless if they weren't your own. Days seemed pointless, all I did was run; pretending to run from you.

I ran as far as California. Now, I'm in California writing about you. I'm laughing to myself in California.

I can't run from you.

I know what happened to you

I'm the only one who knows what happened to you.
I am the girl you've always wanted.
I was your queen and you bowed down to me.
You brainwashed me and convinced me that I needed you.
When I figured out the truth you couldn't handle it. You yearned for me, you still yearn for me.
You pretend not to know I'll never be yours again.
You became a soldier for me, hoping that I'd beg you not to.
You hoped that I'd find out and wait for you and when you came back I'd cry for you to stay.
You are in and out of hospitals because of me.
You think having breakdowns will bring me back.
You still dream of me, every last one of your dreams is of me.
No girl will ever compare to me because I was your dream girl.
I had everything you wanted because I was always happy, dorky, and innocent, and now I'll never be the same.
I was nothing like you, but so much of what you wanted.
You saw me so beautiful, and in a light no one else ever did.
I thank you for that because the only time I ever felt beautiful was when I was with you.
The only time I felt beautiful was when you looked at me so longingly.
The last time I saw you I felt so beautiful because you stared at me in awe.
You longed for me.
You ask for me, you ask about me, and you live for me.
You pledge your life to me.
You tell everyone about me, people who will never meet me know every detail that ever made me and my every design.
You taught me infatuation
You showed me what that word meant in detail, but you loved me.
You will always love me.
You will lay in countless hospital beds longing for me, crying for me, because you will never understand that you set me free.
You taught me how to be who I am, you made me into this monster. I'll never be that girl you loved again.
Let me go.
Love again,
and let me go.

written a long time ago, discovered in my notes.