Take Care
So sweet when you sleep,
Soft noises and a hiccup of a moan
That leaves a hint of remembrance.
Sweeter than most, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve these people,
But I am grateful.
A hint of soft skin, a wide grin, a big hold, and a tap of conversation between two conversation makers.
You are soft like good days in bed under covers,
You are sweet like sunny days on grass plains,
And you are happy like waiting to see my mother for so long and when she arrives,
You are beautiful to her, to me.
I don’t want to see flaws. I refuse to see flaws because you are so simply flawless in so many ways and if you come back down to Earth I will show you.
I’ve seen the constellations, they have brightened nights for me like you.
Sometimes I disappear into oblivion, but I have the right to because nobody holds me, not even you.
Take note when I hold you,
No one else has,
And when I’m gone they always regret what they had.
I enjoy my time here,
waking up and going to sleep to songs on loud,
Gibberish that tends to come out of your mouth,
Your thoughts are so precious when they are true,
That’s why lately I can’t take my eyes off of you.
You touch me like there is nobody else, but I know not to fall, I can take care of myself.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
November 8, 2011
I think about how much of a tragedy my life seems to be right now and I laugh. I can imagine years from now looking back on my life and wondering why I stunted my growth at such a young age. I’ll wonder why, for so long, all I wanted to be was in love. I’ll wonder why, with all my potential, I kept searching to fulfill someone else at any cost.
It’s human nature, I suppose; to feel lonely and to want someone else to fill that void. It’s human nature to want to be someone’s everything and support all of their dreams as long as those dreams include you at their side. I’m sure it’s a combination of human nature, media, and societal influence.
We’re so needy, and none of us want to be our own savior. We don’t think we’re strong enough to be our own savior, our own life support. This is one of the reasons I don’t believe in most religions and a “God”. I believe that god is within the self. You can be your own strength, your own drive, and your own shoulder to lean on. People tend to forget how strong they actually are internally.
With one life, all I want to do is be my best me and to do all of the things I’ve ever dreamt of. I can be alone because I’ll never really be alone. I’ve got family and friends, and all of the people in the world I have yet to meet. I have big dreams and they are all reachable by some means. It just takes work. Life is a work in progress at all times. I don’t want to be at a halt.
Why be unhappy or force yourself into believing you’re “unhappy” because you’re alone or you’re going through something? As cliche as it is, we were born alone (unless you’re a twin or more, haha) and we will die alone. I mean that in the most optimistic way. You were born alone because you are meant to live one life, yours. We are all strong enough to survive “alone”. No one is fully alone, there are millions of people on this planet who are all strangers waiting to be met.
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long-shot” Charlie Chaplin
In the future, this moment that I’m in and every challenging moment before and after this will be pure comedy. While you’re crying, don’t forget to take a moment and laugh at life. Life is mystical because it can be hideous, beautiful, and completely mind-blowing all at once.
It’s human nature, I suppose; to feel lonely and to want someone else to fill that void. It’s human nature to want to be someone’s everything and support all of their dreams as long as those dreams include you at their side. I’m sure it’s a combination of human nature, media, and societal influence.
We’re so needy, and none of us want to be our own savior. We don’t think we’re strong enough to be our own savior, our own life support. This is one of the reasons I don’t believe in most religions and a “God”. I believe that god is within the self. You can be your own strength, your own drive, and your own shoulder to lean on. People tend to forget how strong they actually are internally.
With one life, all I want to do is be my best me and to do all of the things I’ve ever dreamt of. I can be alone because I’ll never really be alone. I’ve got family and friends, and all of the people in the world I have yet to meet. I have big dreams and they are all reachable by some means. It just takes work. Life is a work in progress at all times. I don’t want to be at a halt.
Why be unhappy or force yourself into believing you’re “unhappy” because you’re alone or you’re going through something? As cliche as it is, we were born alone (unless you’re a twin or more, haha) and we will die alone. I mean that in the most optimistic way. You were born alone because you are meant to live one life, yours. We are all strong enough to survive “alone”. No one is fully alone, there are millions of people on this planet who are all strangers waiting to be met.
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long-shot” Charlie Chaplin
In the future, this moment that I’m in and every challenging moment before and after this will be pure comedy. While you’re crying, don’t forget to take a moment and laugh at life. Life is mystical because it can be hideous, beautiful, and completely mind-blowing all at once.
Countless cigarettes and the fog of burned lungs on bathroom sinks. The steam causes a claustrophobic feeling. The type that adds on to the already closed in emotion of my half-there, barely steady heart. I can see him in the smoke, torturing me with his presence. I imagine he can feel me where he is, too. I feel like I want to scream and I want to melt into the floor all at once. I know I won’t be good with him, but I know I’ll think of him in my bed where less sleep happens than thinking. However, he’ll sleep soundly in a bed made of women and sweat. They will cover his sheets in movements I once found familiar and be touched by the only hands that know my body fully. I won’t weep, but I will stew in all of the hot emotions brought by memories of our intertwined being, and our outrage. I know he will still feel me in the moments I am gone. Visions of my face will still consume him in the slightest moments of happiness and then I will pass. Forget me with your hand in the snatches of other women. Forget me as your body explodes everything, but what you actually feel. It’s much more satisfying and everything you’ve ever pretended to not secretly want. Just know that I will stay with you in fingertips on bare skin until someone touches you better.
October 30, 2011
Snow falls hard and graciously in unforgiving winds onto dark streets. The flakes are thick, the kind that stick. The pretty ones that will hopefully stick, and that mark everything they fall on. Snow feels like a new beginning, but I don’t feel new here. I don’t feel anything, though. So, I know I am new.
When someone who feels so much feels nothing it’s dangerous. On this night, almost everything is unforgiving including me. I’m a mess of white and dark, and I am wet with every inch of nothing that I feel so thoroughly. I’m kissing solitude sweetly and swiftly with each pen stroke…
Lately, I find myself wanting to be alone. There are these moments where I see I never am and it feels like my dependency is bringing me downward, quickly. I wonder, was I really that afraid to be alone with myself? Now, all I want is to be alone with myself for a day. I’d like a full day with me without anyone else. I want myself, my pen, and a place to write down every ounce of heaviness that is weighing me down. Only then will my shoulders be released. It will dry me of this feeling.
When someone who feels so much feels nothing it’s dangerous. On this night, almost everything is unforgiving including me. I’m a mess of white and dark, and I am wet with every inch of nothing that I feel so thoroughly. I’m kissing solitude sweetly and swiftly with each pen stroke…
Lately, I find myself wanting to be alone. There are these moments where I see I never am and it feels like my dependency is bringing me downward, quickly. I wonder, was I really that afraid to be alone with myself? Now, all I want is to be alone with myself for a day. I’d like a full day with me without anyone else. I want myself, my pen, and a place to write down every ounce of heaviness that is weighing me down. Only then will my shoulders be released. It will dry me of this feeling.
November 4, 2011
Remember me in the moments where your mind is calm and your breathing steady. Tell me if I make your heart beat faster, it’s the only thing that matters to me. I hope it beats like I felt that day with my head on your chest. The beating called me home. If you remember, will you tell me,
“Come on home.”
“Come on home.”
November 3, 2011
She screams,
Don’t try to save me, I’m unsavable. You’ll only ruin yourself for me. I won’t look back. I don’t care about much, and I break everything I touch.
And then, she exits.
Don’t try to save me, I’m unsavable. You’ll only ruin yourself for me. I won’t look back. I don’t care about much, and I break everything I touch.
And then, she exits.
October 29, 2011
Some people just have a way with words and understanding. He has a way with stimulating in unusual ways. He talks.
He really talks, she thought.
She could see his facial espressions through the phone. He has a specific face he makes when he speaks with that tone. He’s smiling. She visualizes this. His dark hair. His facial hair. She could even see his teeth and the way his lips curl as they extend up into his cheeks. He looks down when he smiles. He hides his smile even though it is one of the best things she has seen in a while. The thought of this makes her smile, and then he speaks.
He really talks, she thought.
She could see his facial espressions through the phone. He has a specific face he makes when he speaks with that tone. He’s smiling. She visualizes this. His dark hair. His facial hair. She could even see his teeth and the way his lips curl as they extend up into his cheeks. He looks down when he smiles. He hides his smile even though it is one of the best things she has seen in a while. The thought of this makes her smile, and then he speaks.
October 24, 2011
Laying down listening to music like it’s the only thing you’ve got.
No worries.
Just sounds.
Sometimes, just voices.
Closing your eyes and feeling the music.
Not like emotions, like movements.
Seeing the music like sounds.
Like images.
Like your life in your head, but still no worries.
Just images, like a movie.
Just sounds.
You can’t touch anything, but that’s all swell because there is nothing to feel here.
Just hear here.
Just listen.
No worries.
Just sounds.
Sometimes, just voices.
Closing your eyes and feeling the music.
Not like emotions, like movements.
Seeing the music like sounds.
Like images.
Like your life in your head, but still no worries.
Just images, like a movie.
Just sounds.
You can’t touch anything, but that’s all swell because there is nothing to feel here.
Just hear here.
Just listen.
October 19, 2011
Glimpses of you crossed my mind in every moment because you were every moment of my life.
Until these moments came where I had no memory of you, temporarily. But this night, I found myself visualizing snippets of our life together even in the moments where you had once not existed. They weren’t remnants of you I was remembering. They were the remnants of you I was already choosing to forget. When I realized that, the image of my life became clearer. I wouldn’t be happier or more sad without you. I wouldn’t even be without you. I would just be me, who once only had you, and that, finally, only had me.
Until these moments came where I had no memory of you, temporarily. But this night, I found myself visualizing snippets of our life together even in the moments where you had once not existed. They weren’t remnants of you I was remembering. They were the remnants of you I was already choosing to forget. When I realized that, the image of my life became clearer. I wouldn’t be happier or more sad without you. I wouldn’t even be without you. I would just be me, who once only had you, and that, finally, only had me.
October 16, 2011
Bruise me, the blows to my self esteem feel like love and they hurt like true emotion. You have a way with cold words wrapped around my neck and they choke the living pride out of me. I cling to you. You’re my personal Velcro; tacky and unwilling to give ease to your death grip of my personality. I’m choking and I can’t breathe love back into this relationship. Respect for me was your personal punching bag. Every lie, every unspoken truth, and every person that ended up on top of you while I was below you. Groveling like a dog and then I felt the gravel under my paws, and the earth never felt so real. I saw the sun like it was new.
October 9, 2011
He can see every inch of beauty in every in every inch of skin. In every inch of imperfection, he sees a bit more beauty.
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