I take a lot of the things I write on Tumblr and put them here because I have a feeling one day I will delete my Tumblr, but this is like my archive. This blog and my last blog (lalisavescows.blogspot.com) are where my writing really is. I won't ever delete these.

A whole lot of life to live in so little time. No, life is long. Moments are short. Moments should be made meaningful and cherished. Moments shouldn’t be taken so seriously as to not enjoy them. Moments should be embraced and taken advantage. Opportunities only come ever so often. Take them and fail or take them and win big. Take chances. Have regrets. Get over regrets. Live. Breathe. Love. Hurt. Die a million times and rebuild the body and mind. Change because change is good. Change is necessary. Be happy. Be unhappy. Cry. Get over it. Laugh. Life is beautiful so cry and then laugh at how miraculous it is. Enjoy life. Hate life. Enjoy. Life.

Beautiful

She wanted to be beautiful. She wanted to be young. She saw her life pass before her eyes. She saw her youth say goodbye in the name of love. The girl was silly and so profoundly sad. Every effort went into being happy, but every action contradicted that notion.

She had sad eyes from the time she was born. Big, sad eyes and big cheeks to smile with to conceal the emotion behind them. She thought she needed to be loved. She searched for love in the cracks of the deepest depths of other people’s hearts. She found hope in every slight opening of other’s hearts. She thought they were broken because they wouldn’t love her so she tried to fix them. When she “fixed” them she realized it wasn’t love for them although it was love for her. She loved everything that was hers so deeply, but she couldn’t accept deep love. She only wanted broken love because she was always given love that did not work or love that hurt.

The love she doesn’t recognize is within. She slowly touches that love, but she doesn’t know it that well yet so she can’t decide if that love is enough. She doesn’t know real love yet, but she is searching for it.

When I love, I love hard. I hate to let go of things I feel are mine. The idea of letting you go is almost impossible to me. I have worked so hard to keep you here. I have enjoyed so many moments with you. I have thought about you every second of every day until I had to force myself to let the thought of you breathe. At least the thought of you got a breath in.

I have held on so tight. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I have to let you go. One day I may have to let you go so I prepare myself for that. I loved the idea that I could have you forever. I still do. These days it feels so unrealistic considering all that we have gone through, but I still hold on to hope. I’m getting older now. Older and able to understand the ways things should be versus the way they are. We were kids, we’re still kids only older. We have lives to live. I want you in my life, but is that realistic? I want you so bad it hurts.

No one can understand that. No one sees what I see in you. Some days I feel you don’t even see what I see in you. Your body moves in such a beautiful way. In a way I’ve grown accustomed to. Your movements, your touch, and the changes in your voice. The way you say my name. It’s the only time I like to hear it.

So, no, I’d never like to let you go. I would never want to know another feels you the way I do or sees the beauty I see in the way your back feels with my face on it. I’m sorry I’m so unrealistic. I’m sorry I’m such a dreamer. Its just that I can’t imagine my dreams without you in them.

I’m selfish, but I’ll learn.