Healing

      I took advantage of the time I had off and went to see my family in Long Island. We’re such a mess, but it’s our mess. I used to want to escape that. I would spend most of my time on my phone or on the computer or in a room sleeping, but things change when you get older. You start missing the chaos of your family because it’s so small next to the chaos of your life outside of that.

       I missed the small space my mother takes up on our sofa and how I always sprawl myself out on top of her like a personal pillow. The times when she’s speaking and I look at her like there’s a part of her I’m supposed to be occupying and she’s in my way. I missed the way my little sister is always the outcast. She finally has friends now so we never see her. She’s in the stage I was at her age and I understand it. I’m glad I can understand. I missed the way Calvin’s face lights up every time he sees me. I was happy to finally reply yes when he asked me if I was staying until Sunday. I find it funny that he stopped asking people to play with him outside and because of that I went to play basketball with him in the rain. It turned into a family tournament. Him and I against his mother and father. We won. I missed my older sister’s loud mouth in the morning screaming “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” I missed our family dinners. I forgot what it was like to sit down at a table at home and enjoy the company of those closest to you. I missed our family dip. This weekend my sister made a new one that wasn’t so popular, but there wasn’t any left when we were done. I missed our family movies. I missed sitting wrapped up in my mother’s arms as we argue over which movie on sale we would watch. The women always win. I missed watching home improvement and real estate shows. We always bet on which house the couple will take or whether they will keep or leave the home or whether they did a good flip. Somehow in all of that finding jokes about the host’s hairline. I even missed the arguing, the crying, and the misunderstandings. No day goes by without at least one of those because we make sure to spend every waking moment with each other. 

          My mother is in a hard place, well really, everyone there is. There is a lot of tension in the house on a usual day and you can still feel it underneath the level of jokes and smiles we’re used to. We all know what will eventually happen. No one talks about it, but everyone feels it. It was nice to be able to put all of that aside for one weekend and just enjoy life, how it used to be. The family. The Baldi bunch. The family that may never be again, but is always preserved in that moment. I didn’t want to come back to work. I didn’t want to come back to the city. 

I wanted to stay in the small place between my mother and the sofa we can’t put our feet on

Wrapped up in her small arms under a throw blanket

With our feet up on the ottoman we call a mushroom

Watching late night television and laughing so hard we snort. 

        It really sucked to have to go back to work right after all of that. I miss my family, but family is far away and I’m here trying to make a living to make life easier, for all of us. To show them that we’re capable of more. All of us are capable of so much more, but no one has fully reached or tried. Sometimes I want to give up, too. I think of how easy it would be to live a lazy life. To take the alternate route. Then, I remember how hard my family actually has it even if it looks good on the outside. My mother worked way too hard to show me that I was capable of more. She has way too much trust in me now to let her down. She is positive I will make it and that gives me strength when I don’t want to be strong anymore. Trust me. There are plenty times I don’t want to be strong anymore, but I have to keep on swimming so I don’t drown, for all of us.